NB, may not be totally P C of course!
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Aren’t statistics wonderful?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O. M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.…
(In the next life, bet you want to be a pig now?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the….?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
30 minutes WOW (Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…….)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
What about that pig?
(Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
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Church Typos
|
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. |
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The logic of the Irish !
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a
small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot
let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane
took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on
full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea
where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last
year.”
On that happy note, Compliments of the Season!
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NEWS FLASHES
1. Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…
2. A Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8…
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…
5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.