NB, may not be totally P C of course!
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Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus
when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
“Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”
Understanding Engineers Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us?
They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greenkeeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who
must have designed the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer.. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough
features yet.
Understanding Engineers Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket..
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me into a
princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a
beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want.
Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but …… a talking frog …… now that’s cool.”
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Died twice in a day, the second time was permanent!
Shocked Russian woman dies at her own funeraladmin | June 26, 2011 |
Talk about a death at a funeral! A shocked Russian woman reportedly died from a heart attack after waking up during her own funeral.
The Daily Mail reports:
As mourning relatives filed past her open coffin the supposedly dead woman suddenly woke up and started screaming as she realised where she was.
Fagliyu Mukametzyanova, 49, who was rushed to the hospital after collapsing in her home with chest pains, had been declared dead from a heart attack earlier that day by doctors in Kazan, Russia, a city of 1.14 million about 400 miles east of Moscow.
Waking up hysterical at her own funeral, Mukametzyanova lived for another 12 minutes, before dying for good.
The woman’s husband, Fagili Mukhametzyanov, 51, said, “I am very angry and want answers. She wasn’t dead when they said she was and they could have saved her.”
Minsalih Sahapov, a spokesman for the hospital, declined comment beyond stating that the hospital is carrying out an investigation.
After this, I’d wager doctors in Kazan are going to be extra careful from now on to double-check whether their patients are not just “almost dead,” but “all dead.”
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Aren’t statistics wonderful?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O. M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.…
(In the next life, bet you want to be a pig now?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the….?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
30 minutes WOW (Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…….)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
What about that pig?
(Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
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Church Typos
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They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. |
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The logic of the Irish !
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a
small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot
let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane
took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on
full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea
where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last
year.”
On that happy note, Compliments of the Season!
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NEWS FLASHES
1. Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…
2. A Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8…
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…
5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.